There have been a lot of things recently that have triggered me into a roller coaster of emotions. Hard, emotional things but, also normal things completely have me going up and down and up and down. I try to focus on my thoughts, just one single thought and to keep focusing on that thought until it doesn't cause my heart to pound and I don't feel like I am going to freak out. Until, I don't feel like the world is ending every single second of the day. This is my life. Twenty four seven since 2008. This is MY mental illness. MY Bi-Polar. I wasn't always Bi-Polar..or, maybe I was and it just did not present itself until I was much older. Who knows. My childhood was not traumatic or bad. My father was always dying since I could remember but, when your a child, you get used to things. So, it was second nature that my father had oxygen on and couldn't walk to the bathroom without turning blue and almost passing out. He had emphysema and lung cancer but, he had it since I could remember. The thought of him actually dying was not something I processed back then. So, I had a father who couldn't play with me and wasn't very nice to be around but, he wasn't horrible. Most people hear you have Bi-Polar and they think you must of gone through something so terrible in childhood that it messed you up beyond repair. For me, it was both but, not from my childhood. Out of all of this crap, at LEAST I can say I had a good child hood. Lets move on... I knew, growing up, that my mother had "issue". There was no name because I was too young to ask. I just knew she had times where she wouldn't come out of her bedroom or she took naps like three times a day. There were times where she wouldn't clean the house for the longest time. On the other side of it, there were times where she acted almost childish and immature and wild to where it would cause fights between my father and her. I never understood it as being ONE thing. It was just things I noticed in passing you could say. I look back at it now and know that she was suffering from Bi-Polar as well. I understand and identify with it because now, well now... that's exactly who I am as well. It's MY Bi-Polar now too. When I first started getting symptoms that something was wrong, it was really hard. The constant racing thoughts to all of a sudden losing that euphoric feeling was like getting hit with a frying pan. It was like being a coke addict and coming down off the worse high you have ever been on. One minute I was so happy talking a mile a minute to the next second, stopping mid sentence because I lost that manic feeling and went straight into a depression of having no energy to even finish my sentence. I was getting more low than I had ever been. I was cutting myself and burning myself and if it was a particularly bad day, I would get into the tub, with my clothes on, and try to drown myself. During this time, my father was months from passing away and my life as I knew it, had completely done a 180. I don't want to get too deep into specifics. We'll leave that for another day. But, it was bad and it had triggered this demon inside of me. When I met my husband, I was in a low time in my life. I was a new mother, at the age of 19, who was alone, stuck with a man who she hated and who abused her. My husband was a breath of fresh air. He was a beacon of hope. A light in the distance. I was so happy and leveled out, mentally, for quite some time. But, with Bi-Polar, it didn't last. I started not wanting to shower, get dressed, clean, or take care of my daughter. I started going out and drinking a lot and leaving my husband to pick up the slack. I started hating my life for absolutely NO reason. The worst thing about it..I KNEW there was no reason. See, with MY Bi-Polar, and I say "MY" because I truly believe each persons is quite different while still being similar, I am AWARE of what I am doing. The right and wrong. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. I am completely aware, deep inside my brain. I am not like a mentally ill person who is so far gone with their illness they do not know they are crazy. I know....and it KILLS me. Inside, I am a great mother who loves to be active and social. But, on the outside, I am a hermit who doesn't interact with even her family because she knows shes too incapable of even being nice or having the energy to play. I feel like I am at war, with myself. My husband walks in and says "Hi Baby" or "Good Morning" and I WANT to say "Hey! Good Morning!" but, what comes out of my mouth is nasty and mean. Why? I have no fucking idea. I sit there waging war with myself telling myself to STOP! Just STOP! Most days...I WISH I was mentally ill enough to not know who I was hurting around me. My point is, this illness is real and I don't care who thinks it isn't. They do not suffer like me and they do not know what I go through. I get that. I understand because if I wasn't going through it myself, I wouldn't understand it either. It's hard to think about your brain being your worst enemy. Its hard to believe you would be mean to the people who mean the most. That you would hurt them in any way. Most people would bet their life on it.....Most people don't have Bi-Polar. My illness is my own and I live with it every single day. I fight the demon every single day. I push its darkest thoughts away and I fight to be a social person who is kind. I fight the urges the demon makes me think about me not being worthy of love or hope. The urge that I should just end it all and help the people around me. I fight the demon....that is ME. This is My illness, MY Bi-Polar...MY fight. Thanks for listening -Niki
71 Comments
Vonda Dover
1/26/2016 07:17:29 pm
I can relate so much to this. Of course I also have my own special demons added to a lot of what you are saying. Thank you for this. People need to know about this mental illness.
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doreen
1/26/2016 07:39:14 pm
Thanks for sharing. I can relate and you are right... we are all different yet the same. Hugs
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1/26/2016 08:18:51 pm
Until I read this Niki I didnt really understand being BiPolar or what it can be. For years I have had undiagnosed depression and until now thats what I thought it was. But when you described how you are aware of the fact that you are mean to those you love the most and are the closest too a light big enough to blind people came on!!! I need to do some research but it sounds like maybe I could have this too. Thanks for sharing your BiPolar and huge hugs. Wow just wow
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Camile
1/26/2016 10:23:52 pm
My mother's husband is bipolar and reading you words was like listening to my mom talk about what her husband goes through. The battle they fight together will never go away but i have had the pleasure of spending really good moments with her and her husband.
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All I can say is you are a brave and special woman. This is beautifully written and you should consider writing a book. I have a son with mental illness suffering since 4 and a half. He is 13 now. Suicidal and homicidal. No impulse control and very oppositional. I am a single parent and his father does not believe he has any problems. He has been hospitalized at least 8 times. It is a difficult life. I wish you the best.
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Christine Solazzo
1/27/2016 02:21:03 pm
I can identify so much. We fishies need to stick together! Just keep swimming doll, that's all we can do..xoxo
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Lindsay
1/30/2016 09:02:21 am
You are not alone. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this part of your life with ys. That blog was incredibly raw and blunt and that is not easy to do. You seem incredibly strong and strong willed. That certainly works in your favor in your daily fight. Hang in there. Things will get better. ♡
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1/30/2016 09:28:57 am
I completely understand. Living with mental illness's has been hard for me as well all my life. Prayers to you my friend!
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Amanda
1/30/2016 09:38:52 am
I can totally relate. I suffer from Bipolar 2. I can be fine and happy and productive for a day or few days,and then out of nowhere I'm agitated,sad,depressed,and don't even want to function. Once your mind goes to that place,you can't get out of it no matter how hard you try. I was on zoloft,but it had some pretty crazy side effects for me,and I just felt completely different,but not in a good way. I tapered off gradually,and I'm feeling better. I can honestly say that I can handle my condition better without putting pills into my body. God bless you girl. You're not alone . Xoxoxoxo PS you're one of my fave youtubers.
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Ateret goldman
1/30/2016 09:42:44 am
Nicki, I love you as someone who has struggled with depression myself and who has close family members who have bipolar I feel for you. Just know that the people that love you can see through what your illness presents you to be at times. You are a inspiring strong woman thank you for sharing your story.
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Sena Cooper
1/30/2016 09:51:32 am
It's so crazy as to how you feel so alone and then you realize how many people actually are bipolar. I have struggled for years with it. I wish there was a magical cure for it! I just started Lexapro a little over a week ago and it's been helping tremendously! I pray for all of us suffering! If you need help get it! It's the best choice you can make trust me! God bless❤️
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Katie hudgins
1/30/2016 10:01:59 am
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You wrote this very well and I understand your situation. I have people close to me that also have mental illness, such as depression and anxiety, as well as bi polar . again, thanks for sharing your experience
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Leslie Zaragoza
1/30/2016 10:16:46 am
Our lives have so many parallels Niki. Sometimes life is beautiful, sometimes it's horrible, sometimes it's mundane and sometimes it's just down right crazy.
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Stephanie carbajal
1/30/2016 10:41:56 am
Thank you for sharing niki. I too can really relate & i too understand. It sucks! Love you girl.
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Kim Basciano
1/30/2016 10:53:56 am
Love you. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing your story. I suffer with depression and anxiety as well. It's so hard sometimes to even get out of bed, but it feels amazing to know there's friends out there who can relate and we can help each other. Xoxox
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1/30/2016 11:11:05 am
Bless you for sharing your story. I think by sharing you can help others that might be struggling and are afraid to seek help.
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Tina
1/30/2016 11:23:37 am
I can underhand i myself don't have bipolar but I do have my own demons that I hate. I just wish i could go back in time a stop most of the stuff.
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Heather Habeger
1/30/2016 11:34:32 am
Hey love thanks for sharing, your awesome. I understand what you are saying, I don't fight it as often as you but I do have my good months and my bad months were the world seem to be the worst place on earth and my brain doesn't want to see the good in it. the months that I feel I am not good enough for any one or anything. honey you are amazing and strong, so glad to have meat you.
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Karen Presley
1/30/2016 11:48:02 am
As I've said before, I have the same thing. I started to put suffer the same problem, but that just doesn't sound right. We have our ups and downs. I'm also ADD. So a lot of days, I spin my wheels without get much accomplished! And to top it all off, I have a physical disability with almost all my disk ruptured. I can't stand for long or do much housework. Then that adds to depression.
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Vanessa
1/30/2016 12:05:37 pm
Love your honesty
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Maribel diaz
1/30/2016 12:26:47 pm
Omg it was so nice To Heat This and you Help Others With This It Was So Amazing Thanks For Sharing(:
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Margo Basista
1/30/2016 01:14:28 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this. I still deal with mental illness. I havent self harmed in 6 months which is huge for me. Stay strong beautiful!
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Stephanie Dias
1/30/2016 01:37:59 pm
Hey Niki! I can relate with you talking about your mental illness. I've had anxiety and depression for 25 years and was diagnosed when I was very young. I know how it feels to deal with it and how other people look at you and either support you or judge you. A lot of people in my life think I just make my mental illnesses up. I would never make it up and I know you wouldn't either. It something we struggle with everyday. I don't understand how someone could make it up. It's a very sensitive subject for me and I'm sure it is for you too. I'm always here for you and love you and your YouTube videos. Hugs and kisses.
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Jessica
1/30/2016 01:50:34 pm
I really loved this blog, it hour home with me in alot of ways thank you for sharing.. I love you even more and I feel even closer to you...
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TortillaQuesadilla
1/30/2016 02:16:54 pm
💞Thank you for being open with us.Your words are so powerful.You are strong person.I look forward to reading more of your blog😊
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Lori
1/30/2016 02:29:36 pm
Love the honesty! Keep your chin up! Great job!
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Jodi
1/30/2016 02:38:37 pm
Girl. This made my eyeballs water. It took me a LONG time to own amd treat my mental illness. Plus my boy has a brain injury, so we have that too. Keep on keeping on, and know that people out here are cheering you on.
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Sherri Ward
1/30/2016 02:59:26 pm
Thanks for sharing your experiences and your heart here. It helps me understand this particular issue so much more. I have a lot of similar feelings at times, and fight off depression daily. We have so much in this life to deal with that it's a really good thing to express our feelings and find out that we aren't the only ones feeling that way. Take good care of yourself. =)
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Terri
1/30/2016 03:29:35 pm
Thanks for sharing. You're very brave in this not so nice social media world we live in. Mental illness still has such a stigma to it even to people who call themselves enlightened. Much prayers to you and you're family.
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Danyell
1/30/2016 03:42:14 pm
My mom suffers from Bi-polar and my dad had early onset Alzheimer's, so I know where you're coming from. Growing up, I didn't know that my family was different. I thought we were just like everyone else. It wasn't until I hit high school that I realized we weren't your typical family, but I'm not complaining. I love my parents, and I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me who I am today. A strong woman, despite the fact that I suffer from anxiety. I have a great family, and a fantastic boyfriend. You're a great person Niki, and I hope you never let anyone get to you. Keep on keeping on!
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Toni Pearson
1/30/2016 03:49:24 pm
Sometimes I wonder if I'm Bi-Polar....because my mood swings can be intense sometimes. I grew up with a mother who was extremely Bi-Polar and Manic so I can understand the struggle. I have a best friend that struggles with a few mental illnesses as well. Thank you for sharing your story!
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liz
1/30/2016 04:38:26 pm
bog post read, twice lol
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McKenna
1/30/2016 04:43:48 pm
I can totally relate and loved reading this post.
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Ranelle Wilson
1/30/2016 04:54:12 pm
Hello Niki! Thank you for sharing your story. I have a cousin who suffers with bipolar and she is now in a state facility. I suffer with depression and have most of my adult life and its hard and I'm sure yours is worse and I feel so sad for you. On a brighter note I'm so glad that you are doing better on the home front as far as not having food and electricity for you and your family. I love to watch your utube channel and you are my favorite to watch. I wish you much success and happiness!
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1/30/2016 05:03:03 pm
So among bipolar I suffer with 4 other things. I might be nasty at times and I fight it. I cry a WHOLE LOT. But I never show it. I'm scared a wHole Lot! I've tried ending my life and I've been hospitalized. But I know I'm a Christian and God is who really has been my light since 5 years up. I am not perfect n I do speak my mind. You & I have not always seen eye to eye but I know for a fact I do try to do good for people and pray for people and offer what I have. I enter a lot of giveaways and frankly to share with another who is less fortunate or just to brighten their day because I may not be able to afford something but I mostly give myself and yes it might not be in the best situations. I have mental illnesses but I'm not SO far out. That's not the meaning of it. My mother has been sick with the same things since I was 5. I've had to raise my little sister while dad was at work. I remember being 9 counting out my mothers medicine for her. Reading the bottle n bringing her water. I always wished on my stars to make mommy "ok" that's all. SHE was that bad. I could go on n on but this is your story. But I am a viewer. You haven't accepted my FB friend request. But all I can say is if whatever doesn't work in your life to better yourself mentally have a belief. There are good people out there and it's not by chance. 💗 I always wish the best for everyone. I suffer like you and hope you'd feel for me as I feel for you. Yes ours are different. One may be worst then the other but we "suffer" and we can get thru it. We need to be stronger. God bless the good. 💗
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kim rowland
1/30/2016 05:18:06 pm
Niki, so raw and well written. You provde a window into this horrble illness, for those of us who are unfamilar with all its terrible symptoms.
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Ana Ortiz
1/30/2016 05:33:46 pm
Thank you for sharing, i think the world would be a better place if those of us with mental illnesses would talk about it more openly and without being judged. You've inspired me to think about starting my own blog to talk about mine. Aside from what I already knew from your YouTube videos, i found this informative. Love you, girl! ps... are you still doing periscope?
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Heidi
1/30/2016 06:30:03 pm
i did not expect your link to be to a bipolar awareness post. This is so well spoken and thoughtful. Sharing your story is such a vulnerable act and I hope you know how helpful it is to others, how much it normalizes and humanizes experiences that often are silenced and pathologized. Thanks for this. I can't wait to share it with my little sister, who was recently diagnosed herself.
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Keesha
1/30/2016 06:52:59 pm
I had no idea that you were bipolar! I can't believe how strong and brave you are. You are dealing with an illness, being a wife, a mother, all the recent circumstances, and still making videos on your channel. What a woman! You are truly an inspiration to me, I wish I could handle my own life half as well as you do.
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Ashley reems
1/30/2016 07:50:59 pm
I can relate. I have been dealing with bipolar since the age of 12. Its a battle and I have lost friends and loved ones due to my behavior. I try to handle it the best way I can and tend to stay home to myself so that I dont upset others. It can be a rough battle.
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Kathy Sirabella
1/30/2016 08:17:16 pm
I've never found someone who was able to put in writing exactly what a big polar moment(S) is like. Very appreciated. My son seems to be a bipolar like you are while I tend to suffer more on the depressive side with very little manic episodes. I just love how people who don't suffer have know idea that there are so many different types and even when you live in the same home your bipolar can be so different its hard to to imagine what the other person is coping with.
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Jack Kruk
1/30/2016 09:48:51 pm
I can relate because i want to be transgender Male To Female that my dream but my parents don't accept me for who i am and every night i cry to be a girl.
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Neta Jones
1/30/2016 10:06:10 pm
As a fellow Bipolar sufferer, I want to thank you for sharing and for explaining it so amazingly well, to where someone who doesn't suffer from it can understand and have some idea of what we go through every second of every day. Mine has caused me to always feel like I don't deserve to be happy and I almost always destroy whatever is causing me to be happy. I have ruined relationships both family and friends, lost jobs and put myself in situations that were dangerous because I knew it would end my happiness but I didn't care, and then turned to drugs because even though I knew it was a fake feeling of well being, it made me feel almost human when I was and it made me numb to the mental pain for awhile. It wasn't the answer I know now, and even though its hard, I know I have to fight this myself the right way if I'm ever gonna live any semblance of a normal life. Add onto this I also suffer from ADHD, OCD, PTSD and anxiety, just a big ole bowl of Fruit Loops here ;) and it makes life a very interesting struggle every day, but it is worth it in the end. Once again thank you for telling us how life really is for someone who suffers from a mental disorder. Love ya sweetie.
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Chelsea
1/30/2016 10:15:07 pm
I read this when you posted it to the fb group. I can completely relate to all of it. My dad has bi polar with manic depressive tendencies. So I grew up with it... And also experience some depression myself given all of my health issues. Not an easy task to deal with.
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Shelley
1/30/2016 11:00:35 pm
Niki, I read your post and I really wanted to run out and hug you. It's a very brave step to take to be this honest and open. I give you mad props for that! When you ran into your rough patch, I missed the GFM account but hit you up via your gmail and PayPal. From your videos, it looks like things are looking up and I am so glad for you. I've suffered from depression due to chemical imbalance. With the recent passing of my mother, I can relate to that utterly incapable of forward motion feeling some days. Hang in there and just know those who love you love all of you, good and bad, because it makes you the person you are. Hugs to you girl!
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Ami
1/30/2016 11:11:46 pm
Thank you for your honesty. It's refreshing:)
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Zoey
1/30/2016 11:57:05 pm
I am glad to hear that you are taking ownership of your disease! That's an important first step. Way to go!
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Eric meyers
1/31/2016 01:52:09 am
I cant imagine the pain of not being able to control some as simpke as a thought no matter how hard you try. Thabk u for sharing.
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Hazel Hoffman
1/31/2016 03:59:37 am
My middle child is BiPolar, I watch his family go on the roller-coaster with him. he is lucky to have a wife that sticks with him and calls me when it becomes overwhelming. They have two sons, and I see how hard it is for them, but they are growing up with it and they know they are free to talk about it. I remember one time my son made the comment, that he realized what kind of man I wanted him to be and he tries so hard to be that man, but he knew he'd never get there.
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shelley beatty
1/31/2016 07:16:27 am
Thanks for sharing this. Most people don't understand how much this illness not only affects the person who has it but everyone they love as well.
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Erika
1/31/2016 01:01:23 pm
I can completely understand where you're coming from. I too battle with my demons daily. These demons that cause me to push people away...paranoid thinking. I look up to the way you handle your mental illness. Thank you for sharing this. I know it's not an easy thing to talk about.
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Patricia C
1/31/2016 02:31:30 pm
It's a great feeling to know you're not alone in dealing with a mental illness and thanks for being brave enough to put yourself out there like that.
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Coffeeandlipsticknolt
1/31/2016 05:24:16 pm
Hello from YouTube. I have a friend who is Bi-Polar and she struggles daily.
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Amber Reser
1/31/2016 11:30:37 pm
What an honest and inspiring way to look at things! I suffer anxiety, so my frustration s are different, but I cash totally relate! Tragedy builds character!
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Allissa Meek
2/1/2016 09:36:11 am
You are so wonderful, and I know how it is to deal with a loved one who has bi-polar disorder. Though that person in my life can be a little hard to deal with, I wouldn't change them for the world. Keep your head up!
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Diane Mania
2/1/2016 10:26:54 am
Believe me
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Shelby Irvin
2/1/2016 01:53:23 pm
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!! I never wld have known you went through all of this jus frm watching your videos! You are an amazing woman!!!
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Salina Terry
2/1/2016 06:28:47 pm
Hi Lady,
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Amanda Petersen
2/2/2016 07:45:21 pm
Although I am not Bi-Polar, I do suffer from depression. I had been raised in a house by a mother,sister and step father who suffers depression, a sister who has split personality disorder and used to cut herself and still drinks to try and drown her demonds, a sister and brother who have ADD, and grew up around an uncle who suffers from manic depressant and Bi-Polar, and another one with Bi-Polar. My oldest.sons father was schizophrenic, he committed suicide when my son was 6. Mental illness is definitely something that I understand and don't mess around with. It is horrible to feel so happy one moment to feeling like life isn't worth living the next. I am so glad that you wrote this. It definitely speaks volumes. My prayers are with you as you battle these awful demonds.
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Mary Ann Marino
2/3/2016 12:45:37 am
My god, it was like reading about myself. I also grew up with a father with emphysema. I also have it myself now. My mother was in and out of the "hospital" quite frequently. My own illness progressed quite rapidly when I turned 25 or so. I am 50 now. It is under control, but I still have my days (weeks, months...). My husband has got to be the most patient, understanding man in all the land. Lol. It is nice to know that I am not alone.
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gina travers
2/3/2016 01:16:33 am
wow, thank you for sharing. makes us feel so much closer to you. love reading from you and watching your videos. thank you . thank you
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Ireon Williams
2/4/2016 04:06:19 am
This really hit home for me I suffer from bi polar also .
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Sarah Collier
2/4/2016 11:08:29 pm
This is powerful!! This gives so much light into the mind of a mental illness. I am going to show this to a friend who's fiance has bipolar and he doesn't understand what it's like in her mind on a day to day basis; and i, being a psych major, am always trying to make it easier for him to understand it but I have a hard time with it since i do not suffer from bipolar but have many friends and family that do. Anyway this is an amazing post Nikki!! It needs to be shared around for all to see!! Love you!!
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Becca
2/7/2016 11:26:44 pm
You're so very brave, and like so many others have said definitely not alone
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Ashley Robbins
2/8/2016 11:07:23 pm
Love how suppotive you are. You're a real inspiration to all these young girls watching you <3 keep it up. Love your channel!
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Diane Mania
2/9/2016 09:05:19 am
This is an amazing post Nikki!!
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Eva
2/22/2016 08:12:48 am
Well done, it takes some strong people to stand up and advocate on behalf of us weaker people, that we aren't monster with two heads just battlers trying to live.
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Pinkprozac16
2/23/2016 09:47:23 am
Thank you for having the courage to share this! We love you!
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7/20/2019 02:06:40 am
Hey love thanks for sharing, your awesome. I understand what you are saying, I don't fight it as often as you but I do have my good months and my bad months were the world seem to be the worst place on earth and my brain doesn't want to see the good in it.
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AuthorI am a 31 year old, stay at home mother with a Beauty Channel on YouTube. I will never be "proper" or professional on Youtube so sometimes, I need to vent! Archives
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