There have been a lot of things recently that have triggered me into a roller coaster of emotions. Hard, emotional things but, also normal things completely have me going up and down and up and down. I try to focus on my thoughts, just one single thought and to keep focusing on that thought until it doesn't cause my heart to pound and I don't feel like I am going to freak out. Until, I don't feel like the world is ending every single second of the day.
This is my life. Twenty four seven since 2008. This is MY mental illness. MY Bi-Polar.
I wasn't always Bi-Polar..or, maybe I was and it just did not present itself until I was much older. Who knows. My childhood was not traumatic or bad. My father was always dying since I could remember but, when your a child, you get used to things. So, it was second nature that my father had oxygen on and couldn't walk to the bathroom without turning blue and almost passing out. He had emphysema and lung cancer but, he had it since I could remember. The thought of him actually dying was not something I processed back then. So, I had a father who couldn't play with me and wasn't very nice to be around but, he wasn't horrible. Most people hear you have Bi-Polar and they think you must of gone through something so terrible in childhood that it messed you up beyond repair. For me, it was both but, not from my childhood. Out of all of this crap, at LEAST I can say I had a good child hood. Lets move on...
I knew, growing up, that my mother had "issue". There was no name because I was too young to ask. I just knew she had times where she wouldn't come out of her bedroom or she took naps like three times a day. There were times where she wouldn't clean the house for the longest time. On the other side of it, there were times where she acted almost childish and immature and wild to where it would cause fights between my father and her. I never understood it as being ONE thing. It was just things I noticed in passing you could say. I look back at it now and know that she was suffering from Bi-Polar as well. I understand and identify with it because now, well now... that's exactly who I am as well. It's MY Bi-Polar now too.
When I first started getting symptoms that something was wrong, it was really hard. The constant racing thoughts to all of a sudden losing that euphoric feeling was like getting hit with a frying pan. It was like being a coke addict and coming down off the worse high you have ever been on. One minute I was so happy talking a mile a minute to the next second, stopping mid sentence because I lost that manic feeling and went straight into a depression of having no energy to even finish my sentence. I was getting more low than I had ever been. I was cutting myself and burning myself and if it was a particularly bad day, I would get into the tub, with my clothes on, and try to drown myself. During this time, my father was months from passing away and my life as I knew it, had completely done a 180. I don't want to get too deep into specifics. We'll leave that for another day. But, it was bad and it had triggered this demon inside of me.
When I met my husband, I was in a low time in my life. I was a new mother, at the age of 19, who was alone, stuck with a man who she hated and who abused her. My husband was a breath of fresh air. He was a beacon of hope. A light in the distance. I was so happy and leveled out, mentally, for quite some time. But, with Bi-Polar, it didn't last. I started not wanting to shower, get dressed, clean, or take care of my daughter. I started going out and drinking a lot and leaving my husband to pick up the slack. I started hating my life for absolutely NO reason. The worst thing about it..I KNEW there was no reason.
See, with MY Bi-Polar, and I say "MY" because I truly believe each persons is quite different while still being similar, I am AWARE of what I am doing. The right and wrong. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. I am completely aware, deep inside my brain. I am not like a mentally ill person who is so far gone with their illness they do not know they are crazy. I know....and it KILLS me. Inside, I am a great mother who loves to be active and social. But, on the outside, I am a hermit who doesn't interact with even her family because she knows shes too incapable of even being nice or having the energy to play. I feel like I am at war, with myself. My husband walks in and says "Hi Baby" or "Good Morning" and I WANT to say "Hey! Good Morning!" but, what comes out of my mouth is nasty and mean. Why? I have no fucking idea. I sit there waging war with myself telling myself to STOP! Just STOP! Most days...I WISH I was mentally ill enough to not know who I was hurting around me.
My point is, this illness is real and I don't care who thinks it isn't. They do not suffer like me and they do not know what I go through. I get that. I understand because if I wasn't going through it myself, I wouldn't understand it either. It's hard to think about your brain being your worst enemy. Its hard to believe you would be mean to the people who mean the most. That you would hurt them in any way. Most people would bet their life on it.....Most people don't have Bi-Polar.
My illness is my own and I live with it every single day. I fight the demon every single day. I push its darkest thoughts away and I fight to be a social person who is kind. I fight the urges the demon makes me think about me not being worthy of love or hope. The urge that I should just end it all and help the people around me. I fight the demon....that is ME. This is My illness, MY Bi-Polar...MY fight.
Thanks for listening
Some of you may be looking at the picture above this and say, "What the fuck Niki?!" It's all in the point ladies! It'll all be okay!
So, tonight I was searching around on Facebook and got to this article titled, "10 Makeup Trends We Need To Leave In 2015". At first I was like, "Oh I've got to read this and see." As i'm reading, I'm starting to think to myself, "Why?" WHY do we have to leave anything in 2015 if we like it? Why are these people telling us that what we should and should not do or like? It all seemed very sheep like to me at that moment and I closed out of the article feeling quite ashamed of myself.
People are telling us that THIS year, we shouldn't like ripped jeans, over sized clothes, contouring, floral crowns, flash tattoos, and even the Kylie Jenner lip craze. While I may agree with some of those trends ending, it does not mean that I believe any of YOU should go out and stop doing them if they make you happy. I've seen tons of these articles and videos going around about what people should stop doing and honestly, most of them all have different things on their lists. So, if you are a follower, you are going to be a makeup lover that's NOT wearing makeup and...well...you'll most likely be naked too! Haha!
I understand as we go through life certain trends pick up that are just not for all of us. They may have you rolling your eyes or asking yourself, "When will this ever end!?" I get that. BUT, that does not mean that we get to judge the other people who DO like those trends. Its the most beautiful part about being human. Our uniqueness. Our ability to like different things and express ourselves how we see fit. I've always stated there are NO rules in makeup. You make up your own rules for your own style! You want to wear bright colors in the dead of winter? Do it up baby!! You wanna wear smoky eyes to go the grocery store? Do it up baby! It is all about what makes you feel beautiful and confident to live this one life you have how you see fit and as happy as possible!
DO IT UP BABY!!
I am going to treat this page like a legit diary. Why? Because I can. LOL. So, there may be typos and imperfections to it and that's okay. In my opinion, it's what makes it perfect.
So, my friend is thinking about starting a YouTube Beauty Channel and she is very nervous about it. She is her own worst critic as most of us are to ourselves. She confides in me with it and I can't help but feel so hurt for her that she has be this hard on her self. She measures herself to others including my own channel and it got me wondering.... is perfection really perfect?
Why do we, as creators, believe that our channels HAVE to be a certain way to be deemed perfect? Why do we have to have that Cannon t5i, the Alexx 9 drawers, the candles in the background, the Diva Ring Lights, and the 100% beat face to be deemed as perfection? In a world that is all about beauty and loving ourselves and art, why do we feel we have to follow one path to perfection? Is art always drawn one way? If it was, would DaVinci be as popular as he is or have made it as an artist? What about any other artists? I thought, it was all about what that one individual brought out of themselves. Their unique and beautiful version of art and the people who saw that too, followed. Am I wrong?
I've never been a follower. It's not in me. I've never possessed it. I may have too much pride or I may just find it boring to do what everyone else is doing. I grew up deaf, only hearing like I was under water and it meant me being alone most of my childhood. I learned to do things MY way and how it made ME happy. People beat that into you as a child as well. To be unique and make your own path yet, once your an adult, its all about following the rules and doing what everyone else is doing, only better, to be a success. I see that on YouTube is a big way and its heart breaking. Viewers are drawn to channels that have those "perfect" things and are a certain way because being anything other than THEIR kind of perfect is not perfection. Why?
I personally do not think that good equipment, and lighting, and "skills" makes a great beauty channel. I think the person in that video is what makes a perfect beauty channel. Their unique and beautifully perfect imperfections are their own and THAT'S what makes someone a success.
Remember, no matter what you do in life... Your imperfections are beautiful and you should own them!
I have recently come to see a very exposed side to the social media community that has changed my way of thinking on even things in my every day life.
Let me start from the beginning...
I am a stay at home mother who, as of almost two years ago, started a beauty channel on YouTube. I started it for my own sanity. I was an avid beauty/makeup lover who was a lone wolf, so to speak, in my personal life. I had no one around me who enjoyed discussing makeup or the formulas on products for hours like I did. There was no one who was happy to discuss hair products or skin care for hours. No one. They all looked at me like I was a vain, conceited person who needed a reality check. Well, one day, I was on YouTube and found what is known as the "Beauty Community". I was in awe at these women who had channels where they did NOTHING but talk about makeup and beauty items. They had friends and followers who followed them and joined in on this without judgement and with the same excitement that I had. Being a stay at home mother who was misunderstood to just about everyone around me, I craved so badly to be in a world where I felt more understood and welcomed. So, I started my channel.
It started off perfect and I started making friends left and right which, was exactly what I was hoping for. Other hopefuls like myself welcomed me and helped me out. I truly believed I had found an amazing place to feel safe and make friends and discuss something I was truly passionate about. I believed that everyone was kind there and cared only about makeup and beauty Etc. It is still that way to this day...to a degree....
It is no secret I have my ups and downs in the beauty community on YouTube. It is not an easy place to be these days. It is not as easy to make friends as one would think. My vision of what it was at the start is not the world I see today. Which, brings me to my Dear Diaries here on my blog. For my own sanity, I have decided to have a blog page solely dedicated to my inner thoughts on my world that is social media. A place where we can all come and unwind and unload the stresses of the day because lets face it, the beauty community and social media is like warfare these days. If your still here at the end of the day... I commend you!
So, I will be writing a blog post, every night on the happenings of my social media world. The good, the bad, and most definitely the ugly. I would love for any of you to take this journey with me. We can laugh, cry, or even rant together and maybe, just maybe, find our sanity again.
I am a 31 year old, stay at home mother with a Beauty Channel on YouTube. I will never be "proper" or professional on Youtube so sometimes, I need to vent!