A Lesson To Learn

 
Dear Diary,

 Lately, it has been one horrible thing after the next. I was really allowing these horrible things to effect me more and more. I have always believed that good or bad, everything that happens in life is a lesson needing to be learnt. I have always found that for every bad thing, something good happens too. There has always been a balance and when there wasn't, it was because I was not learning the lesson correctly. It may seem weird to some to think of life that way but, it hasn't shown me different in 29 years. 
 
 When I started YouTube, I had no idea that it would  maybe be the biggest lesson I needed to learn. I say maybe because I am 29. I'll let you know for sure once I reach the end of my life if this lesson was #1. Haha. 

​ Anyway, I started YouTube knowing NOTHING of the hate. I knew I had seen some rude comments before watching videos but, I rarely paid any attention to the comment section. I didn't want to associate. I wanted to watch the video. So, I thought the creators really didn't interact with each other much and people just commented when they wanted to but, the YouTubers never commented back. That was my mind set on what YouTube was. So, you can imagine my surprise when I started a channel and found out it with the biggest community I had ever been a part of. I was excited! At first...


 Then, YouTube became exactly what High School is in the movies. Overly dramatic people making everything a competition about who is better, who has more money, who has more subscribers, who can get what first. I say YouTube and not just the Beauty Community because this happens in EVERY community on YouTube. I found out about "trolls" and "haters" and even more horrifying, I found out about how horrible creators are to fellow creators! I saw YouTube as this dark place where people fought battles every day. I started watching more videos about stalkers, ex friends doing horrible things. Watching people fall apart and lose their love for something that you used to mean so much over people they had never even seen face to face before. 

 One day, all those horrifying things I couldn't stop watching in disbelief, starting happening to me. Friends were not longer friends. Rumors started and others I didn't even know joined in. People started spying on me and twisting the truth. I started getting called names and comments on my videos that were rude and unwarranted. Then, it excelled into death threats and gossip sites and legal issues. I would go back and forth being able to ignore it, to flipping out and just having enough one day and being bitchy and negative everywhere I could. I allowed that negativity to effect me over and over and over again like a person who gets beat by the ones they love the most. I would think I was done and over it but, I would always go back to that dark place. 

 Until Recently...

 This last roller coaster I experienced nearly made me lose love for every single part of social media. The whole idea of it, the people on it, and the work I had once loved. I was made to feel worthless and fat and like a horrible person and honestly, I was a FRACTION from believing it. I felt like a leper. That even if I didn't mean to hurt people, I always would anyway. That the more people who disliked me, the more it concreted the fact that i was, indeed, what they were saying I was. I was the lowest I had ever felt on YouTube until one day, I decided it was enough.

 I did something that was hard to do. It made me feel exposed and violated. I made a video that literally showed every weakness and exposed every part of my being. I was cringing editing it and wanted to throw up publishing it. People think when a YouTube puts out a video like that, they just want views and attention. For some that may be the case but, for others, it can be the hardest fucking thing you ever do. I had put up a video a month previously that was very exposing but this one, this one recently for some reason, felt like the worst. I felt belittled having to do it and completely ridiculous. I felt betrayed and hurt that I was not believed and needed to show proof of what I already knew about myself. But then it hit me...

 This video was the LAST thing I had. It was the proof of it all and the last defense I had for the problems surrounding me. Whether it went good or bad, at that very moment, it was done for me. I was done worrying and stressing over people not believing me because I knew I had proof but, no one had seen it yet. I had a feeling to the fake side of YouTube, it would make no difference but, to the true side, it would mean everything. The people hating on me would either believe me and leave me alone or not believe me and continue to throw darkness at me. They of course, did not believe me. Which, is something I knew would happen because people like that will never change but, I had no idea my views on THEM, would. 

 It became so clear in that moment where they picked it apart and went on to even more disgusting topics like me faking a miscarriage (yes, they really went there), that I realized how much sorrow and pity I had for them. Instead of hate and pure judgement, I felt something totally different. Almost pure sadness but with a lot of understanding attached to it. For someone to be so cruel and show such disgust for someone they do not even know and who has not ever effected them physically or in their day to day life, they have to really have something truly horrible going on or had gone on in their life. For what ever reason, bashing me and being cruel to me was something of a down time for them. It is their way to connect with others and to feel like they belong. I was there entertainment for their days because they have nothing else to focus on. It turned my hatred into understanding and pity. It is like they love to hate me and hate to love me. 

 I got so hurt and angry and lashed out negatively time and time again because I did not understand that it truly has nothing to do with me. It is them. They do not even realize this to even be true either. They claim to have perfect lives and tons of money and the best of educations yet, I can see right through that facade and it makes me sad for them. No person, in their right minds, would do the things they do or say unless they too were lashing out to cope. Pure hatred with no room for understanding or compassion. Refusing to work things out and let things go. For the first time, I felt compassion for THEM. 

 Now, I have this calm no matter what happens. I am feeling inspired again and excited for what the future holds. My love for YouTube is stronger than ever. I see a hateful comment or email or tweet and I just think, "I hope that made you feel better" and I move on. I mean that in the most genuine and kind way as well. I no longer have any ill feelings towards these people no matter what they do or say. I hope one day they find happiness too or let things go and feel that free feeling and maybe, we can be friends in the future. I hope soon, that they find resolve and no longer need to hurt people on-line to cope. That maybe instead they find something positive to do on here and become part of something so much brighter and loving. 

 I learned a lesson today people of the internet. I learned compassion and understanding for the darkest side of Social Media. For the "haters" and "trolls" and the people who hide behind fake profiles. I feel pity and sadness for them but, I know that feeling to need to be negative so, I completely understand it. Whether they ever stop or not, that's okay. I wish them all the happiness in the world and hope one day, maybe they can understand me even a little bit more than they do now. 

 Love your life people. Do something positive each day. When something bad happens, know that something good always follows. Learn your lessons and know it is not the end and it WILL pass and the lesson learned, will stay with you forever. Be in LOVE with YOUR life. Every. Single. Minute. Of. It. 

Love you!

-Niki