For millions of us in the online beauty world, a few days ago the makeup rocked OFF THE SHELVES when Jeffree Star went HAM on his SnapChat about Jerrod Blandino (AKA original owner of Too Faced Cosmetics) shading Tarte Cosmetics over the unicorn craze! Thousands of people watched Jeffree as he showed proof that Too Faced was NOT the creator of unicorn makeup and how Jerrod had bad business practices. He even went as far as to call out Too Faced and the Nikki Tutorials collab and how Nikki was basically ripped off in their deal! Thousands upon thousands of people ran to Jeffree's side and even creators such as Tati Westbrook have publicly boycotted the brand on her channel. I happen to be someone with a different opinion on this drama and I would like to share that as I do not see anyone else seeing this logic.
Everyone has their own opinions and takes on sponsorships on YouTube and social media and most of them are bad. There is a stigma on sponsors because of past influencers that took things the wrong way or too far. There are also a TON of misinformed and uneducated people who instantly throw a horrible label on anyone who does sponsors because of other misinformed influencers that tell you things they know nothing about on sponsors or their own assumptions. This is MY personal opinion and take on sponsors. Coming from someone who knows NOW a lot about them and the behind the scenes with working with sponsors etc. Click the Read More tab to read the full article.
It's been a while since I have updated this portion of my blog! I thought I would start off with some life updates and then finally address the issue with why I left my Facebook Group, Beauty and Beyond. Click the Read More button for the details!
Lately, it has been one horrible thing after the next. I was really allowing these horrible things to effect me more and more. I have always believed that good or bad, everything that happens in life is a lesson needing to be learnt. I have always found that for every bad thing, something good happens too. There has always been a balance and when there wasn't, it was because I was not learning the lesson correctly. It may seem weird to some to think of life that way but, it hasn't shown me different in 29 years.
When I started YouTube, I had no idea that it would maybe be the biggest lesson I needed to learn. I say maybe because I am 29. I'll let you know for sure once I reach the end of my life if this lesson was #1. Haha.
Anyway, I started YouTube knowing NOTHING of the hate. I knew I had seen some rude comments before watching videos but, I rarely paid any attention to the comment section. I didn't want to associate. I wanted to watch the video. So, I thought the creators really didn't interact with each other much and people just commented when they wanted to but, the YouTubers never commented back. That was my mind set on what YouTube was. So, you can imagine my surprise when I started a channel and found out it with the biggest community I had ever been a part of. I was excited! At first...
Then, YouTube became exactly what High School is in the movies. Overly dramatic people making everything a competition about who is better, who has more money, who has more subscribers, who can get what first. I say YouTube and not just the Beauty Community because this happens in EVERY community on YouTube. I found out about "trolls" and "haters" and even more horrifying, I found out about how horrible creators are to fellow creators! I saw YouTube as this dark place where people fought battles every day. I started watching more videos about stalkers, ex friends doing horrible things. Watching people fall apart and lose their love for something that you used to mean so much over people they had never even seen face to face before.
One day, all those horrifying things I couldn't stop watching in disbelief, starting happening to me. Friends were not longer friends. Rumors started and others I didn't even know joined in. People started spying on me and twisting the truth. I started getting called names and comments on my videos that were rude and unwarranted. Then, it excelled into death threats and gossip sites and legal issues. I would go back and forth being able to ignore it, to flipping out and just having enough one day and being bitchy and negative everywhere I could. I allowed that negativity to effect me over and over and over again like a person who gets beat by the ones they love the most. I would think I was done and over it but, I would always go back to that dark place.
This last roller coaster I experienced nearly made me lose love for every single part of social media. The whole idea of it, the people on it, and the work I had once loved. I was made to feel worthless and fat and like a horrible person and honestly, I was a FRACTION from believing it. I felt like a leper. That even if I didn't mean to hurt people, I always would anyway. That the more people who disliked me, the more it concreted the fact that i was, indeed, what they were saying I was. I was the lowest I had ever felt on YouTube until one day, I decided it was enough.
I did something that was hard to do. It made me feel exposed and violated. I made a video that literally showed every weakness and exposed every part of my being. I was cringing editing it and wanted to throw up publishing it. People think when a YouTube puts out a video like that, they just want views and attention. For some that may be the case but, for others, it can be the hardest fucking thing you ever do. I had put up a video a month previously that was very exposing but this one, this one recently for some reason, felt like the worst. I felt belittled having to do it and completely ridiculous. I felt betrayed and hurt that I was not believed and needed to show proof of what I already knew about myself. But then it hit me...
This video was the LAST thing I had. It was the proof of it all and the last defense I had for the problems surrounding me. Whether it went good or bad, at that very moment, it was done for me. I was done worrying and stressing over people not believing me because I knew I had proof but, no one had seen it yet. I had a feeling to the fake side of YouTube, it would make no difference but, to the true side, it would mean everything. The people hating on me would either believe me and leave me alone or not believe me and continue to throw darkness at me. They of course, did not believe me. Which, is something I knew would happen because people like that will never change but, I had no idea my views on THEM, would.
It became so clear in that moment where they picked it apart and went on to even more disgusting topics like me faking a miscarriage (yes, they really went there), that I realized how much sorrow and pity I had for them. Instead of hate and pure judgement, I felt something totally different. Almost pure sadness but with a lot of understanding attached to it. For someone to be so cruel and show such disgust for someone they do not even know and who has not ever effected them physically or in their day to day life, they have to really have something truly horrible going on or had gone on in their life. For what ever reason, bashing me and being cruel to me was something of a down time for them. It is their way to connect with others and to feel like they belong. I was there entertainment for their days because they have nothing else to focus on. It turned my hatred into understanding and pity. It is like they love to hate me and hate to love me.
I got so hurt and angry and lashed out negatively time and time again because I did not understand that it truly has nothing to do with me. It is them. They do not even realize this to even be true either. They claim to have perfect lives and tons of money and the best of educations yet, I can see right through that facade and it makes me sad for them. No person, in their right minds, would do the things they do or say unless they too were lashing out to cope. Pure hatred with no room for understanding or compassion. Refusing to work things out and let things go. For the first time, I felt compassion for THEM.
Now, I have this calm no matter what happens. I am feeling inspired again and excited for what the future holds. My love for YouTube is stronger than ever. I see a hateful comment or email or tweet and I just think, "I hope that made you feel better" and I move on. I mean that in the most genuine and kind way as well. I no longer have any ill feelings towards these people no matter what they do or say. I hope one day they find happiness too or let things go and feel that free feeling and maybe, we can be friends in the future. I hope soon, that they find resolve and no longer need to hurt people on-line to cope. That maybe instead they find something positive to do on here and become part of something so much brighter and loving.
I learned a lesson today people of the internet. I learned compassion and understanding for the darkest side of Social Media. For the "haters" and "trolls" and the people who hide behind fake profiles. I feel pity and sadness for them but, I know that feeling to need to be negative so, I completely understand it. Whether they ever stop or not, that's okay. I wish them all the happiness in the world and hope one day, maybe they can understand me even a little bit more than they do now.
Love your life people. Do something positive each day. When something bad happens, know that something good always follows. Learn your lessons and know it is not the end and it WILL pass and the lesson learned, will stay with you forever. Be in LOVE with YOUR life. Every. Single. Minute. Of. It.
Gossiping these days has pretty much turned into a hobby. Its sad but, its true. I find it hard to have one single conversation with anyone and not gossip about one thing or another. Why do we gossip? When is it too much? When does it cross lines and become a problem? Why can't we seem to stop? I have some opinions on this, of course! Haha
So, more and more I am learning that one if the BIGGEST problems on social media and just in life generally, is ASSUMPTIONS. Like the picture states above, assumptions make and ass out of YOU and ME. SMH
Lately, I have A LOT of people passing assumptions around about me. Someone even started my thread again on Guru Gossiper and OF COURSE, the lies and assumptions are SO real on there! I have been getting comments (hate comments) and emails and messages all with nothing but assumptions about what I am or am not doing. I have noticed that with these assumptions about 99% of them are always wrong. BUT, the problem is, is that about 80% of people believe these assumptions and that is where this becomes a problem.
I know SOOOO many people say not to shed light on haters or play into what they say but, when it effects your channel, your life, and your reputation...its damn near impossible. Especially when you know your are 100% an honest and blunt person and KNOW that if anyone came to you and bluntly asked you questions, you would answer them completely honest.
I have been attacked on social media from so many angles lately. First, I was attacked for being a blunt person and making rant videos. Then I was attacked for who i was associating with or friends with on-line. Then, I was attacked for being an adult and human being and sticking up for something that was completely wrong in the Beauty Community and speaking out against a popular brand and YouTuber. Now, I am being attacked for a GoFundMe account I did not even make for myself AND by a certain type of vegan folk online. I have been called every name imaginable, threatened, and slammed 24-7 since this started. Now, I have a super thick skin and have dealt with this type of hate my WHOLE life, from even my own family so, you bet your ass total strangers do not effect me BUT, when they are start bringing legal things into it or threatening me or my children or making assumptions about me, I lose it. Oh, but I deserve this for putting myself out there don't I!? NO. That is complete BULLSHIT.
What I really want to get across to anyone reading this is...DO NOT believe gossip or rumors or assumptions. People love drama and gossip and on-line, everyone is back in high school. "Friends" will drop you quicker than you can blink and haters will spend their LIFE trying to find out anything they can twist into making you a horrible person. They down right become stalkers just to get that little bit of drama and when your a good and honest person like I am, they twist the truth to MAKE drama that isn't there. They take things out of context or rip things out of your past and make it seem like you just did or said it. They PHOTOSHOP your words or messages into their own and they just down right make up lies. All for their own enjoyment of gossiping and trying to bring you down. The sad thing is, in so many cases, what they do WORKS because people actually believe this garbage! People are so naive online and get way too wrapped up in the nonsense. Adults become children and common sense is thrown out the window.
You can NOT forget that we are REAL people with REAL feelings. People cram it into your brain so much that you should just take the hate and nonsense and ignore it because it happens all the time online and there not much you can do. It'll always be there so just don't shed light on it and give them what they want. PSHHH I'm sorry but that's like saying to just ignore serial killers because the attention is exactly what they want and no matter what we do, there will always be serial killers.... Even on-line, there are consequences. REAL consequences. LEGAL consequences. People just do not know they can do something about it so, they tell people to just deal with it. I am technically running a business with me being the product. People spreading rumors or lies about me that effect MY business is slander and defamation of character and it IS something I can do something about. I really encourage you all to check you states laws on it because there is a lot more you can do online than you think!
People say that the haters and trolls and gossipers show their true self by doing the things they do. That it says nothing about you but a ton about them. That is true to a certain extent but what happens when this person hides behind a fake name and picture? It's so sad to me that someone with not even a real name can tear down someones reputation who puts their whole self out there honestly. Why do we believe this shit? Why do we waste our time? Why do we spread the rumors and drama instead of going to the source? What EXACTLY has this world become?
So basically, I am a fat, trailer trash, lazy, crazy person who scams her subscribers, fixes her giveaways, and lies CONSTANTLY. That is the ONLINE version of who I am. THAT is what assumptions has gotten me and you. You can choose to believe it or you can choose to use your OWN brain. Like Jaclyn Hill said, "I would NEVER choose to associate and surround myself with these types of people." ME NEITHER girl....me neither!
We do what we do because we love it and have a deep passion for the people who support us and the things we talk about daily. It does NOT mean we deserve that hate we get and that we have to be bullied and abused and just be quiet about it. I will NEVER be quiet about it. I will ALWAYS speak up and speak out against this bullshit and tell you all straight, the FACTS of who I am and what I am doing. My motto has always been, "If your 100% honest, you never have to worry about feeding your own lies and tripping on them." and I live by that every single day.
I choose to be a good person even when no one is looking. THAT'S who I am.
There have been a lot of things recently that have triggered me into a roller coaster of emotions. Hard, emotional things but, also normal things completely have me going up and down and up and down. I try to focus on my thoughts, just one single thought and to keep focusing on that thought until it doesn't cause my heart to pound and I don't feel like I am going to freak out. Until, I don't feel like the world is ending every single second of the day.
This is my life. Twenty four seven since 2008. This is MY mental illness. MY Bi-Polar.
I wasn't always Bi-Polar..or, maybe I was and it just did not present itself until I was much older. Who knows. My childhood was not traumatic or bad. My father was always dying since I could remember but, when your a child, you get used to things. So, it was second nature that my father had oxygen on and couldn't walk to the bathroom without turning blue and almost passing out. He had emphysema and lung cancer but, he had it since I could remember. The thought of him actually dying was not something I processed back then. So, I had a father who couldn't play with me and wasn't very nice to be around but, he wasn't horrible. Most people hear you have Bi-Polar and they think you must of gone through something so terrible in childhood that it messed you up beyond repair. For me, it was both but, not from my childhood. Out of all of this crap, at LEAST I can say I had a good child hood. Lets move on...
I knew, growing up, that my mother had "issue". There was no name because I was too young to ask. I just knew she had times where she wouldn't come out of her bedroom or she took naps like three times a day. There were times where she wouldn't clean the house for the longest time. On the other side of it, there were times where she acted almost childish and immature and wild to where it would cause fights between my father and her. I never understood it as being ONE thing. It was just things I noticed in passing you could say. I look back at it now and know that she was suffering from Bi-Polar as well. I understand and identify with it because now, well now... that's exactly who I am as well. It's MY Bi-Polar now too.
When I first started getting symptoms that something was wrong, it was really hard. The constant racing thoughts to all of a sudden losing that euphoric feeling was like getting hit with a frying pan. It was like being a coke addict and coming down off the worse high you have ever been on. One minute I was so happy talking a mile a minute to the next second, stopping mid sentence because I lost that manic feeling and went straight into a depression of having no energy to even finish my sentence. I was getting more low than I had ever been. I was cutting myself and burning myself and if it was a particularly bad day, I would get into the tub, with my clothes on, and try to drown myself. During this time, my father was months from passing away and my life as I knew it, had completely done a 180. I don't want to get too deep into specifics. We'll leave that for another day. But, it was bad and it had triggered this demon inside of me.
When I met my husband, I was in a low time in my life. I was a new mother, at the age of 19, who was alone, stuck with a man who she hated and who abused her. My husband was a breath of fresh air. He was a beacon of hope. A light in the distance. I was so happy and leveled out, mentally, for quite some time. But, with Bi-Polar, it didn't last. I started not wanting to shower, get dressed, clean, or take care of my daughter. I started going out and drinking a lot and leaving my husband to pick up the slack. I started hating my life for absolutely NO reason. The worst thing about it..I KNEW there was no reason.
See, with MY Bi-Polar, and I say "MY" because I truly believe each persons is quite different while still being similar, I am AWARE of what I am doing. The right and wrong. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. I am completely aware, deep inside my brain. I am not like a mentally ill person who is so far gone with their illness they do not know they are crazy. I know....and it KILLS me. Inside, I am a great mother who loves to be active and social. But, on the outside, I am a hermit who doesn't interact with even her family because she knows shes too incapable of even being nice or having the energy to play. I feel like I am at war, with myself. My husband walks in and says "Hi Baby" or "Good Morning" and I WANT to say "Hey! Good Morning!" but, what comes out of my mouth is nasty and mean. Why? I have no fucking idea. I sit there waging war with myself telling myself to STOP! Just STOP! Most days...I WISH I was mentally ill enough to not know who I was hurting around me.
My point is, this illness is real and I don't care who thinks it isn't. They do not suffer like me and they do not know what I go through. I get that. I understand because if I wasn't going through it myself, I wouldn't understand it either. It's hard to think about your brain being your worst enemy. Its hard to believe you would be mean to the people who mean the most. That you would hurt them in any way. Most people would bet their life on it.....Most people don't have Bi-Polar.
My illness is my own and I live with it every single day. I fight the demon every single day. I push its darkest thoughts away and I fight to be a social person who is kind. I fight the urges the demon makes me think about me not being worthy of love or hope. The urge that I should just end it all and help the people around me. I fight the demon....that is ME. This is My illness, MY Bi-Polar...MY fight.
Thanks for listening
Some of you may be looking at the picture above this and say, "What the fuck Niki?!" It's all in the point ladies! It'll all be okay!
So, tonight I was searching around on Facebook and got to this article titled, "10 Makeup Trends We Need To Leave In 2015". At first I was like, "Oh I've got to read this and see." As i'm reading, I'm starting to think to myself, "Why?" WHY do we have to leave anything in 2015 if we like it? Why are these people telling us that what we should and should not do or like? It all seemed very sheep like to me at that moment and I closed out of the article feeling quite ashamed of myself.
People are telling us that THIS year, we shouldn't like ripped jeans, over sized clothes, contouring, floral crowns, flash tattoos, and even the Kylie Jenner lip craze. While I may agree with some of those trends ending, it does not mean that I believe any of YOU should go out and stop doing them if they make you happy. I've seen tons of these articles and videos going around about what people should stop doing and honestly, most of them all have different things on their lists. So, if you are a follower, you are going to be a makeup lover that's NOT wearing makeup and...well...you'll most likely be naked too! Haha!
I understand as we go through life certain trends pick up that are just not for all of us. They may have you rolling your eyes or asking yourself, "When will this ever end!?" I get that. BUT, that does not mean that we get to judge the other people who DO like those trends. Its the most beautiful part about being human. Our uniqueness. Our ability to like different things and express ourselves how we see fit. I've always stated there are NO rules in makeup. You make up your own rules for your own style! You want to wear bright colors in the dead of winter? Do it up baby!! You wanna wear smoky eyes to go the grocery store? Do it up baby! It is all about what makes you feel beautiful and confident to live this one life you have how you see fit and as happy as possible!
DO IT UP BABY!!
I am going to treat this page like a legit diary. Why? Because I can. LOL. So, there may be typos and imperfections to it and that's okay. In my opinion, it's what makes it perfect.
So, my friend is thinking about starting a YouTube Beauty Channel and she is very nervous about it. She is her own worst critic as most of us are to ourselves. She confides in me with it and I can't help but feel so hurt for her that she has be this hard on her self. She measures herself to others including my own channel and it got me wondering.... is perfection really perfect?
Why do we, as creators, believe that our channels HAVE to be a certain way to be deemed perfect? Why do we have to have that Cannon t5i, the Alexx 9 drawers, the candles in the background, the Diva Ring Lights, and the 100% beat face to be deemed as perfection? In a world that is all about beauty and loving ourselves and art, why do we feel we have to follow one path to perfection? Is art always drawn one way? If it was, would DaVinci be as popular as he is or have made it as an artist? What about any other artists? I thought, it was all about what that one individual brought out of themselves. Their unique and beautiful version of art and the people who saw that too, followed. Am I wrong?
I've never been a follower. It's not in me. I've never possessed it. I may have too much pride or I may just find it boring to do what everyone else is doing. I grew up deaf, only hearing like I was under water and it meant me being alone most of my childhood. I learned to do things MY way and how it made ME happy. People beat that into you as a child as well. To be unique and make your own path yet, once your an adult, its all about following the rules and doing what everyone else is doing, only better, to be a success. I see that on YouTube is a big way and its heart breaking. Viewers are drawn to channels that have those "perfect" things and are a certain way because being anything other than THEIR kind of perfect is not perfection. Why?
I personally do not think that good equipment, and lighting, and "skills" makes a great beauty channel. I think the person in that video is what makes a perfect beauty channel. Their unique and beautifully perfect imperfections are their own and THAT'S what makes someone a success.
Remember, no matter what you do in life... Your imperfections are beautiful and you should own them!
I have recently come to see a very exposed side to the social media community that has changed my way of thinking on even things in my every day life.
Let me start from the beginning...
I am a stay at home mother who, as of almost two years ago, started a beauty channel on YouTube. I started it for my own sanity. I was an avid beauty/makeup lover who was a lone wolf, so to speak, in my personal life. I had no one around me who enjoyed discussing makeup or the formulas on products for hours like I did. There was no one who was happy to discuss hair products or skin care for hours. No one. They all looked at me like I was a vain, conceited person who needed a reality check. Well, one day, I was on YouTube and found what is known as the "Beauty Community". I was in awe at these women who had channels where they did NOTHING but talk about makeup and beauty items. They had friends and followers who followed them and joined in on this without judgement and with the same excitement that I had. Being a stay at home mother who was misunderstood to just about everyone around me, I craved so badly to be in a world where I felt more understood and welcomed. So, I started my channel.
It started off perfect and I started making friends left and right which, was exactly what I was hoping for. Other hopefuls like myself welcomed me and helped me out. I truly believed I had found an amazing place to feel safe and make friends and discuss something I was truly passionate about. I believed that everyone was kind there and cared only about makeup and beauty Etc. It is still that way to this day...to a degree....
It is no secret I have my ups and downs in the beauty community on YouTube. It is not an easy place to be these days. It is not as easy to make friends as one would think. My vision of what it was at the start is not the world I see today. Which, brings me to my Dear Diaries here on my blog. For my own sanity, I have decided to have a blog page solely dedicated to my inner thoughts on my world that is social media. A place where we can all come and unwind and unload the stresses of the day because lets face it, the beauty community and social media is like warfare these days. If your still here at the end of the day... I commend you!
So, I will be writing a blog post, every night on the happenings of my social media world. The good, the bad, and most definitely the ugly. I would love for any of you to take this journey with me. We can laugh, cry, or even rant together and maybe, just maybe, find our sanity again.